I am so all over the place, friends. Even more so than usual. Maybe it’s because all I’ve ingested today has been an iced grande soy latte from Starbucks. I dunno. Last night I had one of those horrible all-my-teeth-are-falling-out-one-at-a-time-in-public-places dreams. Okay, nightmares. Seriously, those are the worst! Don’t they mean “change is ahead” or some other bull crap like that? Whateverrr. I have a lot on my mind.
I think I’m finally settling into my apartment. I’m done with all the random traveling, for a while at least. Now it’s time to buckle down and continue applying for jobs that won’t consider me and more importantly, time to start figuring out my situation for this time next year. Grad school for Student Affairs has always been “the plan” but sometimes I’m not sure if even that’s what I want to do anymore. I’ve spent the last three years so involved at Miami University, dedicating ever fiber of my being to building stronger student organizations and developing relationships and friendships with people. Now that it’s all over and I’ve been out for four months, I have no idea who I am anymore. My identity as a leader, a friend, a confidant, a student, a mentee and a mentor. Everything about who I was had been shaped by my experiences within different communities while at Miami. I don’t have any of those ties anymore, and even though you’d think I’d still have the same drive and motivation now as I did then, I don’t. I’m tired of getting my hopes up and I’m tired of going through the motions. THIS ISN’T ME. Where the frup did I go?! Ugh.
Three things have been lifting me up, lately. When I moved back to Oxford, I imagined that seeing my friends would help me get over my frustrations. It’s helped to an extent, but it’s hard for me to relate to many of them anymore. I’m thankful for the handful of people that talk to me on a regular basis. People that make me laugh. Friends that I didn’t get a chance to talk to much last year because I was “too busy” but are the kind of people that can pick up exactly where we left off like it was yesterday. In that sense, I’m so glad that I have this year to make up for lost time. A second chance. That’s the first thing. The second thing is my random Grooveshark playlists. Brandon Heath. The Civil Wars. Adele. Switchfoot. Chris Tomlin. Sanctus Real. Hillsong United. Coldplay. And of course Lil Wayne, Jay Z and Kanye for when I want to pretend to be cool. The third thing is all the support I’ve received from complete strangers. Maybe you’re one of them? I have heard from so many friends and acquaintances that they’ve seen or heard from a friend of a friend something about my blog. Namely, the Tale of the Three Brothers chapter that I painted on a wall. One of my favorite Miami mentors (Wo-Jo!) sent me a message the other night about my posts being pinned on Pinterest, a virtual pinboard of sorts that allows people to share and “pin” hundreds of thousands of things that inspire them. I’m not really involved with the site at all, but I discovered this page yesterday and was able to see SO MANY comments from people about my HP wall. I was shocked. I’m still shocked. And oh so happy that I talked my mom into letting me do that, because there’s no telling how many people have been inspired to do something like it on their own. I’ve also gotten a few messages from people who’ve purchased something from my Etsy shop. Each notification I get literally leaves me beaming. I want to find a way to do this for the rest of my life… even if that means living in a shed with my traveling band of kitteh cats and living off the land (by that I mean resorting back to my vegan diet and grazing like cattle). But anyway.
I’ve been collecting quotes for the longest time. I’ve got journals filled with little pick-me-ups that I’ve gathered up because they’ve inspired me or made me laugh. I’m starting a new project (yes, on top of all the other projects I’ve got going on, I told you I’m all over the place!). I have a general idea of what I want to do with all of them, but I don’t really know what it looks like yet. Check back in a few weeks and I’m sure I’ll have something.
Damn, that was a long one. Like I said, I’ve got a lot on my mind. Even if no one reads this, jotting all this down has helped me to clear my mind a little. Yeah.
Thanks for reading (if you got this far), and happy craftinggg