when boredom strikes.

Went to southern Indiana to visit some fam-fam today… took several things away from the trip:

Corydon has a gas station called “Little 2 Foot”… not sure if they meant “2 little feet” or what. I was confused.

Corydon also has a place called Beef ‘O’ Brady’s. I think it’s a restaurant. I was also confused.

The local “Butt’s Pharmacy” sells t-shirts that say “I heart Butt Drugs.” Who wants one?

My grandma’s doctor’s first name is Tuna. Apparently.

I never want to live miles away from the world where the only way in/out involves driving on one-lane roads that are completely surrounded by corn fields and it’s impossible to see any way out. Claustrophobic.

Chocolate covered frozen bananas look really awkward without nuts. Ha, peanuts.

I swearrrrr I’m going to go insane if I don’t find something to do… preferably something that pays me moneyz. All I do is watch Glee reruns on Netflix, eat cheese and mustard sandwiches on wheat bread with a pickle and potato chips, and hopelessly search the internet and classified ads for a job. I say hopelessly, because THE ONLY JOBS I CAN FIND INVOLVE DRIVING ENORMOUS TRUCKS FOR SCARY COMPANIES and I’m not certified. Not to mention, I’d probably need a custom made booster seat if I ever did end up behind the wheel. Then again, it would be pretty impressive to see a young lady of my stature stepping out of an 18 wheeler. Yeah. Bad to the bone. I’d have to spiff up the uniform, if I had one. Accessories would be key. Cute earrings, definitely a bow in my hair or a bejeweled headband. Also, lip gloss. That’s important.

My mom gets calls from Q-Fact Market Research ALL THE TIME. We’re talking, like, 3 calls a day, people. The calls are usually automated, so I answer and listen to see whether or not I qualify. “If you’re 26 to 50 years old…” nope. Hang up the phone. “If you have diabetes…” nope. Hang up the phone. “If you have purchased (insert exorbitant amount of toilet paper here) in the last two weeks…” nope. Hang up the phone. You get the idea. Today was just like every other day, in that sense. I listened anxiously to see if I might qualify for a chance to sit around and talk about toothpaste for an hour and walk away with a hundred and fifty smackers. A few hours had passed since the first call of the day. Phone rings. I answer. “Hello, is Nancy available?” Completely shocked to hear an actual person on the other end of the line, I replied, “Yes! Of course! She’s right here!” and handed her the phone. We were about to eat dinner at the time, so she got up and walked into the bathroom to answer the dude’s questions. After an awkward ten minutes or so, she returned to tell my sister and I the dealio…

Apparently, the guy asked her how many cats she had. She told him three (THREE?!) because she didn’t want to disclose the actual number of kitties to a complete stranger. The guy didn’t skip a beat, and proceeded to ask her each of their names, ages, and breeds. She named off Buck, 7 years old, domestic long hair. She named off Fancy, 5 years old, domestic short hair. Here comes the kicker. She *couldn’t* think of the name of *any* of our other x-teen cats, so she names off Ivy, 12 years old, domestic short hair. IVY DIED TEN YEARS AGO. What the heck, Nancy. It’s not like you were making up the fact that we have any cats at all. There were many cats to choose from… of course you’d choose a dead one. In order to keep the guy from catching her in he middle of a lie later on during the Q&A, she scribbled the cat names on the mirror with eye liner and shortly thereafter, ended the phone call.

I thought it was hilarious. You probably didn’t. Oh well, not my problem. R.I.P. Ivy!

How do you spot Ronald McDonald on a nude beach?

….. he’s the one with the sesame seed buns.

That right there is a joke I will literally remember for the rest of my life. Simply because it can’t be beat. No matter how awkward it is to think about, it *always* gets a reaction out of people.

All jokes aside, I’m getting pretty fed up with my current situation of unemployment. I’m in desperate need of a job or a new project. I’ve started a list of ways I could attempt to keep myself busy if I don’t have luck finding a job soon. If you have any better ideas, by all means, comment away.

- french braid cat fur (it would have to be Buck, his fur is the longest)

- sidewalk-chalk the entire driveway (which is longgg, bee tee dubs)

- paint the several hundred pop tabs in my piggy bank with nail polish just because it would look pretty (notice, I don’t have actual currency in my piggy bank, perhaps a job would change that)

- memorize the lyrics to a really inappropriate rap song that I don’t already know so I can show off to people that think I’m uncool (because that would make me so much cooler)

-  become an overnight Youtube sensation after debuting a choreographed routine to hit tunes, starring me and my super fat cat

- create a giant paint-by-numbers on my ceiling

- get my keystroke speed over 150 by using those free internet tests repeatedly until I succeed (without any errors)

- become an extreme couponer

- go a month without straightening my hair to finally end the breakage once and for all! (this is more of a mental challenge and goal, considering I’m not quite prepared to rep the puffy 80′s pony just yet… P.S. holy moo cow why do stores still sell scrunchies)

So. Over the July 4th weekend I decided to embark on a new craft-like project. I’d always thought it would be cool to paint a chapter of a book on a wall, but never actually followed through with the vision. Untillllll I decided to ask my mom if she trusted me enough to paint the wall in the stairwell leading to the basement and she said YES. I started drawing lines on July 4th and two weeks later, I had successfully painted the entire chapter of The Tale of the Three Brothers from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows on the wall, word for word. I completely guessed as to whether or not it would all fit, and miraculously it fit perfectly, all 20-something pages. I completely ruined my paintbrush, in the end, but I’d say it was worth it! I submitted this to craftgawker, my favorite website everrrr. You should totes check it out. If you wanna “favorite” my post go here. I’d love you forever, because nothing makes me happier than knowing that hundreds of complete strangers appreciate my work

I don’t have anything worth writing about today.

I woke up… at ten. I drank coffee. I messed around on the computer. I ate lunch. I watched my mom go through all her old clothes. I told her what she absolutely could never be seen in again. I had conversations with some of the cats, mainly Fancy, Puppy, Tommy, Fiona, Buck and LuLu. I continued painting my HP wall (pics will be posted when it’s finished). I drove Molly to Target and stopped in Michaels to buy some much needed craft supplies, including my favorite purchase – glittery acrylic paint for a dollar. I ate dinner. I continued painting. I watched American Pickers with my dad. I took a shower. I got on my laptop. I wrote this pointless blog entry.

I saw HP again today with my dad and sister… to prepare him for the movie, my sister and I gave our daddy-o the run-down. Surprisingly, the only thing he got confused over was the distinction between a Death Eater and a Dementor. Much much better than what happened a few weeks ago when we watched Part 1:

Completely out of the blue…

Dad: “Why are Harry’s parents dead?”

Liz and Molly: *silence*

Dad: “Who killed them?”

Liz: “Voldemort.”

Molly: “How did you not catch on to that after 6 movies…”

Dad: “And Voldemort’s the guy without a nose?”

Molly: “Yes.”

All continue watching the movie.

Monday: Elizabethtown, Kentucky. 320 miles. 6 hours in a car.

Tuesday: Jamestown, New York. 370 miles. 7 hours in a car.

Wednesday: Back to Mason, Ohio. 370 miles. 7 hours in a car.

Thursday: Slept until late afternoon to make up for the lack of sleep Monday through Wednesday.

Friday: Finally saw HP 7.2. Boy oh boy. That ending… I cracked up. No one wanted to see such a poor attempt at 19 years of aging on 20-something year old actors.

I enjoyed an ice cold car ride to Elizabethtown, Kentucky for my interview with Big Brothers Big Sisters. It went well. Tomorrow my dad and I are headed to Jamestown, New York for my interview with Jamestown Community College — ew why is “Friday” playing right now. Can you say skippppp. I’m not looking forward to the car ride. Maybe I’ll get the job, maybe I won’t. I don’t have much else to say on that. My mommyyy just got home from work so I’m going to go talk to her. Byes.

I didn’t wake up until noon today because I was too busy completely tripping out in a dream. Below is a description of everything that happened. Good luck trying to figure any of it out. Enjoy.

First, my family was hosting a No Frills conference in our basement and all the t-shirts had cat cartoons on them.

Then, I was in an old school building, trying to get away from a satanic black kitten. It kept attacking me and every time it saw me it’s pupils would completely dilate and I knew I was doomed. Also, there was one point where I was trapped in a small room with a dozen or so 7 or 8 year olds that wouldn’t stop poking my butt. Yeah.

Fast forward. It was dark. I was taking a bath in our hot tub (hella awk), but it was in our neighbors back yard. His name is JC (we call him Jesus, ha, judge away). He was having a huge party, but all the party guests were law enforcement officers. And I was terrified that they would see me. I was in the process of washing the conditioner out of my hair when I saw something dark in the water…

Then, suddenly I was in an older hairy man’s body (almost exactly like “Farmer Dave” seen below, courtesy of Google), on the porch of my cabin in the woods. Everything was being narrated by my voice, which was coming from the sky. I saw, in the distance, the small demonic kitten coming toward me. I think it turned into a dog or something. It resembled a Grim (you know, the bad omen from HP3). All of a sudden, my really butch wife came out of the cabin with a shotgun and BAM. The Grim was gone. Then, I decided I was going to go “clamming in the woods.” At least, that’s what I told my butch wife. It was nighttime and I started walking into the woods along a creek. I waded into the water and was so excited to have collected 15 clams, exactly. I heard a rushing in the water, looked over my shoulder, and I could see a dark hooded figure swimming rapidly toward me. I knew it was the devil, in my old man mind. I was captured and taken to the bank of the creek. The devil thing turned into a young couple, and they started to pound me with 2×4′s. As they impaled me with one, I fell into a dark abyss.

Then, I was walking on top of teensy tiny skyscrapers. I peered into a window and saw myself (as a man, remember) and my butch wife at a dinner table or something. We made eye contact and suddenly the buildings began to collapse under my feet. I began to sink into pitch dark water. I was in the ocean. And what do ya know, here comes this gigantic serpent. It’s head was as big as a building and it somewhat resembled the dragon from Shrek. It told me that it was going to eat me and laughed. I tried desperately to swim away, but I was eaten, and I spent the remainder of my dream drowning in it’s stomach acid.

Needless to say, this was a terrifying dream and I swear this has to be what if feels like to trip on acid.

Before you flip a shiitake mushroom on me, I have never seen the “two girls” video, nor do I have any idea of what it could be a video of. I just know it’s bad. Or gross. Or something. It’s just fitting for this itty bitty little story I’m about to share.

Molly and I went to Graeter’s today because she had a gift card (who gives a vegan a gift card to an ice cream place? beats me…). Anyway, we both ordered sorbet. I asked for lemon and she asked for raspberry. The woman scooped up both flavors, put them in one bowl, gave us one spoon, and that was that. Umm well good thing we’re sisters, lady, and I don’t mind sharing food out of the same bowl. I got my own spoon, though.

That was today. As uneventful as it gets. Oh. I did work on my HP wall for an hour or so. You don’t know what this is yet, but you will in a week, and I will prove to the world that I, Elizabeth Jane Kirkham, am the most insane HP fan on this planet. Stay tuned!

I probably shouldn’t even admit this, but tonight I thought it would be *such* a fun idea to cover my entire face in purple eye shadow. It was a bad idea. I looked like a freak.

In other news, I had 3 phone interviews today, one of which led to a legitimate interview for a hall director position in Jamestown, New York next weeeeek. They called at 8am to schedule the phone interview, which took place at 3:30 today, and an hour later they called me back to tell me I’m one of two candidates. Saweeeet.

Fancy is guarding her territory on my bed right now. She chases off any other kittehs that come near me. Love herrrrr. #bestfriend